Happy Birthday, Bruce Bochy!

With the requisite apologies to W.S. Gilbert and A.S. Sullivan:

I am the very model of a modern baseball manager,

I've decades of experience, professional and amateur,

I played the game the way it should be played, and now impart my wit

To players, coaches, fans, and friends, and even that sportswriter twit

Who twists my every word to make it seem like I’m a dinosaur,

While never understanding once that, pal, I’ve heard it all before.

About the bunt, the squeeze, the steal, I’ll wax quite philosophical--

And never once admit that my discourse is less than topical.

For twenty years I’ve honed my craft against the best teams in the West;

The rings I’ve won would quite compare to any pirate’s treasure chest;

In short, if you’ve a need to give your team a big advantage, sir--

I am the very model of a modern baseball manager.

For evaluating pitchers I’m renowned among my brethren,

I’ll ‘splain for you the difference ‘tween the closers and the middlemen;

In lefty-righty matchups I’m aware of every stratagem,

And keep my secrets guarded as I would a precious diadem;

My later-inning instincts are unmatched across the universe,

The critic who claims otherwise I’d classify as most perverse;

I’ll prove my skill against the best from every isle and continent--

And slap that silly fanboy who suggests that I’m incontinent.

When motivating players, I have masterminded every trick;

And if this sport were football, you would call me “Mister Belichick;”

In short, if you’ve a need to give your team a big advantage, sir--

I am the very model of a modern baseball manager. 

Though I may rarely deal with those who speak of VORP and WARP and WAR,

And view with mild suspicion terms like O-P-S and D-E-R,

While I am disinclined to take advice from number-crunching geeks,

And favor seasoned vets all due to break out into hitting streaks,

Although my game demeanor may appear to be paralysis,  

I don't completely disregard statistical analysis:

I’ve made good use of replay when the boys in blue have missed a call--

And studied every page of that infernal nonsense Moneyball.

So, my sabermetric knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,

Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;

But still, if you’ve a need to give your team a big advantage, sir--

I am the very model of a modern baseball manager.